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Post by Kalathos Iskadar on May 14, 2005 13:52:15 GMT -5
Sorry...I just got this in a random email acnd could't help but post it:
Great Airline Quotes
Actual quotes from airline flight attendants and pilots:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.
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Ramona
Drow Spider Queen
Posts: 144
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Post by Ramona on May 14, 2005 14:14:21 GMT -5
heehee, those are cute
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Salene
Human
Warrior
A fighter born and bred
Posts: 36
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Post by Salene on May 14, 2005 17:42:59 GMT -5
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.Hehehe. That was my favorite.
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Ramona
Drow Spider Queen
Posts: 144
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Post by Ramona on May 14, 2005 18:35:25 GMT -5
Words women Use (SEEMS APROPRIATE PLACE TO PUT THIS)
"FINE"
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
"NOTHING"
If you ask her what is wrong and she says "Nothing", this means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement > very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
"SOFT SIGH"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome."
"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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Salene
Human
Warrior
A fighter born and bred
Posts: 36
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Post by Salene on May 14, 2005 19:08:21 GMT -5
Haha, that's so true too. ;D
Unfortunately, I never get neat amusing emails like that.
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Post by Kalathos Iskadar on May 14, 2005 23:28:07 GMT -5
How to keep a Healthy level of Insanity
>1- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.... See if they slow down.
>2- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
>3- Everytime your boss asks you to do something: Ask him/her if they would like fries with that?
>>4- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
>>5- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, SWITCH to espresso.
>6- In the memo field of all your checks write "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS."
>7- Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
>>8- Don't use any punctuation.
>9- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.
>10- Specify that your Drive-through order is TO GO!
>11- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>12- Sing along at the opera.
>13- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems do not rhyme.
>14- Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
>15- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you are not in the mood.
>16- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, ROCK BOTTOM.
>17- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream I WON !! I WON !!
>18- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, They are loose !!!
>19- Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
>20- And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity .... Send this email to someone to make them smile.
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Post by Asheira on May 14, 2005 23:29:26 GMT -5
I"m gonna do #9 lmao
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Salene
Human
Warrior
A fighter born and bred
Posts: 36
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Post by Salene on May 15, 2005 10:50:55 GMT -5
">2- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice." I actually did that in school once. I was doing the morning announcements and my name was on the list to go somewhere. I half wasn't thinking and half thought it would be funny. ">>8- Don't use any punctuation." I know people who do that. *cough* ">10- Specify that your Drive-through order is TO GO!" My dad did that once. He wasn't thinking. ">11- As often as possible, skip rather than walk." That's... considered insane? Teehee. That list is great.
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Post by Kalathos Iskadar on May 15, 2005 18:21:21 GMT -5
Here is yet another random email for you all to enjoy ^_^
Subject: They Walk Among Us
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
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Jaeli
High Elf
Priestess
A pale shade of blue
Posts: 9
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Post by Jaeli on May 18, 2005 2:26:03 GMT -5
*falls off chair laughing* This is a really good thread, it really made my day, lol, thanks guys!
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Post by Lorenzo De'Eledain on May 18, 2005 14:26:59 GMT -5
">17- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream I WON !! I WON !!"
I've done something similar to that...we have vending machines in our school, and one time I got a broken vending machine to work and when the food came out I cried 'I WON! I WON!'
">7- Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy.""
I did that for a while. Then it lost its flavor and insanity because I did it so much.
">15- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you are not in the mood."
Have done. Many times.
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Post by Kalathos Iskadar on May 18, 2005 14:40:45 GMT -5
Another email one I got from someone......
> *Beware the Unitarian Jihad!* > > The following is the first communique from a group > calling itself Unitarian > Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an > anonymous spam remailer. I > have no idea whether other news organizations have > received this communique, > and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. > Perhaps they fear starting > a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter > how alarming, trivial or > disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to > report that the words below > are at least not disgusting: > > Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United > States. We are Unitarian > Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than > one God. The vote of our > God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with > two abstentions. Brother > Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of > there being no God at > all, and his objection was noted with love by the > secretary. > > Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United > States! Too long has your > attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of > extremist thought. Too long > have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except > Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, > no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made > your head hurt. Too long > have you been buffeted by angry people who think > that God talks to them. You > have a right to your moderation! You have the power > to be calm! We will use > the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic > expression! > > People of the United States, why is everyone yelling > at you??? Whatever > happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the > news dominated by nutballs > saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed > inside the eyelids of > every American, or that Allah has told them to kill > Americans in order to > rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has > instructed them to go live > wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks > bombing mosques is a great > idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for > the record that we mean no > disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. > Referred back to the > committee of the whole for further discussion. > > We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have > not been born again, nor > have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God > cares what we read, > what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron > Bomb of Serenity notes > for the record that he does not have a moral code > but is nevertheless a good > person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness > stipulates that Brother > Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this > is to be reflected in > the minutes. > > Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting > like grown-ups with > brains enough to understand the difference between > political belief and > personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a > series of terrorist-like > actions. We will take over television studios, > kidnap so-called commentators > and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the > issues of the day. We > will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we > will try for balance by > hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought > through the issues. > > We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public > places and require people > to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade > of Love suggested that > we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, > but her motion was not > formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We > will require all > lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress > like trout in public. > Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox > repair specialists. > Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read > Proust out loud in > prisons. > > We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity > is not enough." We have > heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime > already. Just because > you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just > because your motives are > pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, > or comfort someone in a > nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. > Play basketball. Lighten > up. The world is not out to get you, except in the > sense that the world is > out to get everyone. > > Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's > pretty sure the world is out > to get him because everyone laughs when he says he > is a Unitarian. There > were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone > suggested that we buy > some Congress members and really stick it to the > Baptists. But this was > deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother > Gatling Gun of Patience > was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners > committee. > > People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! > We can strike without > warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will > appear as if from > nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! > There will be coffee and > cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. > Startling new underground group spreads lack of > panic! Citizens declare > themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of > undeclared rationality. > People can still go to France, terrorist leader > says. > > Beware the Unitarian Jihad (by Jon > Carroll)
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Post by Eidlin Isilramel on Jul 7, 2005 22:46:55 GMT -5
OK, I got a good one. This should make you guys laugh!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ------------------ Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while..
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Protege
High Elf
Theif
The shadows hide many secrets...but only those cloaked in shadow see nothing but the light.
Posts: 10
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Post by Protege on Jul 13, 2005 17:23:55 GMT -5
Dedicated Golfer Plays Hospital Rounds
Nurse: “Whom are they operating on today?” Orderly: “A fellow who had a golf ball knocked down his throat at the golf course.” Nurse: “And who is the man waiting so nervously in the hall? A relative?” Orderly: “No, that’s the golfer. He’s waiting for his ball.”
Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ‘til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Department of Useless Diatribe
- A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why; - American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class; - Apples (not caffeine) are more efficient at waking you up in the morning; - Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush (… thinking about leaving your toothbrush in the living room now?); - Donkeys kill more people annually than plan crashes; - It is possible to lead a cow upstairs – but not downstairs; - Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin; - No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times; - Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older; - Pearls melt in vinegar; - The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer… so did the first Marlboro Man; - The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum; - The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache; - The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma; - The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order; - Turtles can breathe through their butts; - Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise (… since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?); - Walt Disney was afraid of mice; - You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Don't Mess With The Tower
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. It was his first time approaching a field at night. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he radioed, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
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Protege
High Elf
Theif
The shadows hide many secrets...but only those cloaked in shadow see nothing but the light.
Posts: 10
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Post by Protege on Jul 13, 2005 17:37:59 GMT -5
50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart 1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4.Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9.When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles. 10.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens. 11.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”. 12.Play with the automatic doors. 13.Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14.While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?” 15.Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 16.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.” 17.Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 18.lay soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!” 20.Put M&M’s on layaway. 21.Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas. 22.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23.Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles. 24.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 25.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!” 26.TP as much of the store as possible. 27.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28.Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down. 29.When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?” 30.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!” 31.Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?” 32.Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 33.Take bets on the battle described above. 34.Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36.Hold indoor shopping cart races. 37.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible. 38.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39.Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40.Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?” 41.Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store. 42.Two words: “Marco Polo.” 43.Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44.“Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics. 45.In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels. 46.When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 47.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 48.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!” 49.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 50.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
11 Things Not To Say When Getting Pulled Over
1.What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway? 2.So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means. 3.Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4.You’ll never get those cuffs on me... You Homo! 5.On the way to the station let’s get a six pack, oh don’t forget the cig’s. 6.I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! 7.But officer, I’ve got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick one. 8.Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece. 9.No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph. 10.No, offi, offic, lucifer... I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. 11.I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
16 Signs It’s Time To Abandon Your Space Station
1.“Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy....” 2.Ship’s computer calmly says, “I don’t know what air leak you’re talking about, Comrade Dave.” 3.After several days of low oxygen, you’re starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei’s offer to join the “Hundred Mile High” club. 4.It’s down to just you and Sigourney Weaver. 5.Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops. 6.Mission Control asks if you can “beam down immediately.” 7.Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as “Spam in a can.” 8.No more Stoli. 9.That’s one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side. 10.The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms. 11.The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold. 12.The Super Glue is gone and you’re down to one roll of duct tape. 13.They’ve already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in Apollo 13, Part II. 14.You and your comrades realize those weren’t “spare” oxygen generator parts you made the still out of. 15.You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff. 16.You translate a Russian message which reads “Jettison the American....”
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
1.Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) 2.Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. 3.Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. 4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party. 5.Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound. 6.After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 7.Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. 8.When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!” 9.When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. 10.Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. 11.Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. 12.Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. 13.When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. 14.Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. 15.Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. 16.Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. 17.Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy. 18.Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. 19.Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. 20.Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
Empire State Building Bar
This guy goes to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. “This is a nice place. I’ve never been here.” The first guy says. “Oh, really?” The other replies, “It’s also a very special bar.” “Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.” “Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says. “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.” “No way. that’s impossible.” the first guy replies. “Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See, it’s fun. You should try it,” he says. “Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts. “It’s easy. Watch. I’ll do it again.” And with that, he jumps out of the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast,” he says. “Well what the hell. OK, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to jump out of the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 100... 200... 300... 400... 500... 1000 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
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